That's it's a rainy day Tuesday and I actually got dressed before going to work even though I dreamt I went swimming and then went to a high school I had never been to before. I was dripping wet in a bathing suit  wandering the halls and I almost went into the girl's locker room looking for something more appropriate to wear!
I wonder how that is going to end?
Meanwhile a gull lands on the roof next door,  sparrows fly in circles in groups of five and three, a blue truck pulls up to the gate, there are variations in the grey color of the clouds and the lines of the buildings downtown are somehow softer, like they might just fade into the grey clouds, there is a phone ringing outside my office and no one is answering it, I'm going for a walk outside without an umbrella and if it rains I might be back in that dream again?

Halasana 29 3/4" X 35 1/2 " Bee's wax and pigment on wood braced canvas 2005

Surrender, neck bent
ass in the air
nothing
watching my feet on the mat
although I'm just remembering
from something
before
feeling a heartbeat,
mine
and in that moment
it doesn't matter
who loves me
or
not
like all flowers are striped
to the bare
stem
of a single heartbeat
and maybe this is the last
day
to notice
my nails need to be cut
my right arm
refuses to release
it's somehow in a plot
with my left leg

I think they alone
saw to it
that I would never
be able to endure
sitting in some zazen intensive
Because they know
something about me
that even I refuse
to release to

It's me
and a me that is somehow
not just this body
bent like a pretzel
neck bent
ass in the air vulnerable

How come I can feel you here
where I can barely breath
and I love you so much more
on that day
I think it might
all end?

 One year when I was a boy I received a walky-talky as a gift and one night I was just talking into white space and someone talked back! Whoa they were like 30 or 40 miles away and were bridging the gap with their HAM radio set. My walky-talky was good for a few miles under the best circumstances! I was so exciited to be speaking to this person so far away and we starting asking each other questions like where are you?
The conversation didn't last long and I was never able to reconnect with this person or anyone else that far away with my walky-talky. Hey, I wanted something bigger and better like a HAM radio! Well I never did get a HAM radio and forgot about bridging distances with technology.

This afternoon I went to SFMOMA to see a show of Martin Puryear work and while I was lost looking for that show I ran across a room where "Hole in Space" was being displayed on two huge monitors that faced each other. The room was dark and there were people in the videos shouting and holding up signs like "Ivan are you there?"


Galloway, Kit; Rabinowitz, Sherrie
Hole in Space

Hole in Space was a Public Communication Sculpture [for three days]. On a November evening in 1980 the unsuspecting public walking past the Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts in New York City, and «The Broadway» department store located in the open air Shopping Center in Century City (Los Angeles), had a surprising counter with each other. Suddenly head-to-toe, life-sized, television images of the people on the opposite coast appeared. They could now see, hear, and speak with each other as if encountering each other on the same sidewalk. No signs, sponsor logos, or credits were posted—no explanation at all was offered. No self-view video monitors to distract from the phenomena of this life–size encounter.

Hole–In–Space suddenly severed the distance between both cities and created an outrageous pedestrian intersection. There was the evening of discovery, followed by the evening of intentional word-of-mouth rendezvous, followed by a mass migration of families and trans–continental loved ones, some of which had not seen each other for over twenty years.

(source: Kit Galloway/Sherrie Rabinowitz, http://www.ecafe.com/getty/HIS/index.html)

Ivan are you there?

I had a thought this morning (danger! Lol!) about gift giving. What I thought was that instead of wracking my brain to try and discover the thing to buy for each person on my list that A) they need or B) actually want, I'd like to do something a little different. While I’m all in favor of stimulating the economy by spreading cash around I’m also aware that charitable organizations are going to be the first to suffer in a down economy. While I might shed a tear that Mervyns is closing, going chapter 7, I’m more concerned that non-profit organizations might not be able to carry out their missions because of lack of capital.

Hey, do I really need another tie or even a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble?

Nah, I’m giving up ties and the book I can get at the local library, assuming it’s still there tomorrow!

As for my own gift giving I think I might do all my shopping at the following sites. If you have more please post them here as a comment.

 

Give an Acre of Las Californias

 

Sponsor a rescue horse at RedWings

 

Buy art from NIAD (National Institute of Art and Disabilities)

 

Feed someone

My wife and her best friend emailed this to me tonight, I think it's an omen!!!
(Twilight Zone music) Lol!

Vernal Equinox Sunrise

 

Summer Solstice

 

Sunrise on the Fall Equinox at Dzibichaltún

 

Winter Solstice

 

 

Sunrise by Mary Oliver

 

You can
die for it-
an idea,
or the world. People
have done so,
brilliantly,
letting
their small bodies be bound
to the stake,
creating
an unforgettable
fury of light. But
this morning,
climbing the familiar hills
in the familiar
fabric of dawn, I thought
of China,
and India
and Europe, and I thought
how the sun
blazes
for everyone just
so joyfully
as it rises
under the lashes
of my own eyes, and I thought
I am so many!
What is my name?
What is the name
of the deep breath I would take
over and over
for all of us? Call it
whatever you want, it is
happiness, it is another one
of the ways to enter
fire.

 

 

You may check here to see when the sun rose on the first day you were here on the planet.

 

Happy new day friends! Love you!

 

*********************************************************************************************
For those who want to participate copy and paste everything underneath the asterisks so other people who chanced upon your blog will know what's going on.  Hi, this is my Gaia Holidays Giftgiving blog.  You can give gifts to me for the holiday season by posting your gift on the comments section.  For more information how you can set up your own, please read Samme's blog.  Don't forget to tag your blog with "gaiaholiday".

 

 

 

 

Watercolor, Bee's wax and Pigment on Folded Paper 22" X 30 "

A color test
like when I hold
a buttercup
under your chin
to see if you
really like butter
only this is not a
buttercup

perhaps it is a
red
or a pink
like your skin
at night in the
candlelight
and I can't
really see
but only feel

the softness
of your moist
shoulder under
my cheek

of the variegated
green like
sunspots through
the forest ceiling
like a Monet
dancing silently

like sailboats
like stars
trailing off
through twilight
wishing
the warmth
of sun
of Saturdays
cut grass scent
as you open
your eyes
to a day of
matinees and
the madness

of pure imagination
of golden Naples
yellow fields
of starry nights
swirling
about our
sitting quietly
reading the old
torn books
of our youth

oh and there is one
more color test
it's that color
in the woods
straight ahead
under the trees
the moonlight
lighting a path to
the right

and you want
to walk into the
light
but you know
the path is ahead
and the color
is unnamed
other then you
know the color
is yours,
even if it is
a bit dark
when the moonlight
is in your eyes

I'm quick to listen and slow to talk. I want to create a space that allows for grief and sadness and the comfort knowing they are not alone. Hey, it's an integral part of this experience and there are gifts to be found, if we take the time. It means I have to be willing to be sad too. That part takes a lot of love and it's so much easier to isolate my own feelings and throw them a rope from the deck. "You shouldn't be sad, look at everything you have going for you."

U Want Me 2 
Sarah McLachlin

You walk on by
Clueless and so high
Following your aimless path away from us
You're so far away
And what can I say
Cause I can't be the one you wanted me to be

So tell me how do you feel
It's so confusing
If you let it all go, it'll fall apart
Do you want me to stay and say I still want you
You want me too, don't you?

So what are we saying
Our eden's a failure
A made-up story to fit the picture-perfect world
The one with "I do"s
and I love you
And we are made for each other
Is forever over now?

And tell me how do you feel
It's so confusing
If you let it all go, it'll fall apart
Do you want me to stay and say I still want you
You want me too, don't you?

I hope there's forgiveness
In the distance between us
Can we make what lies ahead of us a better place to be?

So tell me, how do you feel
It's so confusing
If you let it all go, it'll fall ---
Do you want me to stay and say I still want you
You want me too, don't you?

 

 

Forgiven
Staying With Me

Los Lonely Boys

*verse 1*
if i told you i loved you would you walk away im not trying to fool you theres no playing games your tired of being alone tho i feel the same oooo maybe falling in love will take away your pain

*chorus*
so i have to say (i have to say)
that i really love you (i really love you)
dont be afraid (dont be afraid)
i just wanna know (just wanna know)
if your staying with me

*verse 2*
o i can take you away to places out of this world all i need is the time of day to make your dreams for real take a chance on love im gonna do the same ooo we're two hearts of a kind we're gonna have it made

*chorus*
so i have to say (i have to say)
that i really love you (i really love you)
dont be afraid (dont be afraid)
i just wanna know (just wanna know)
if your staying with me

*chorus*
so i have to say (i have to say)
that i really love you (i really love you)
[ Los Lonely Boys Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
dont be afraid (dont be afraid)
i just wanna know (just wanna know)
if your staying with me

WOAH dont go running away like you have before OOOO all your wildest dreams are just beyond the door

*chorus*
so i have to say (i have to say)
that i really love you (i really love you)
dont be afraid (dont be afraid)
i just wanna know (just wanna know)
if your staying with me

*chorus*
so i have to say (i have to say)
that i really love you (i really love you)
dont be afraid (dont be afraid)
i just wanna know (just wanna know)
if your staying with me
are you staying with me
stay with me baby
stay with me babe
stay with me baby
stay with me baby

 

So this is like a wine and cheese party where you pair up a fine wine with a delicious cheese. So my pick of the day is a Sarah McLachlin (very fine wine!) with a Los Lonely Boys (scrumptious!) . But together …. Is this Heaven?

 

Anyway what’s your pairing?

 

 

 

Random poem in 9 parts

22X30 Indian ink , Bee's Wax and pigment on folded Paper

 

#1

wish you were here

yeah me too, wish I was there

but here is good

looking at my right big toe

wiggling,

feeling the strap

of the Oneil flip-flops rub between

the big toe and the next one over

wondering if

that second toe was

ever used to flip

someone a toe,

you know?

 

Looking across

The room, my studio,

My garage, my laundry room,

Storage area

Lights on above the

Easel, paint splatters

White, green, pink

Across the edge where

The last painting

Rests, one side still

Taped up on a board

The other side fallen

Because the tape

No longer holds it

Now in the lopsided

Posture, old already

One week after it

First looked at the world

 

#2

so I contemplated

silence today the

whole trip from

the moment my son

got on the bus

at 8:15 a full

half an hour after

I held her face in

my hands for that

morning kiss, coffee

in hand, bag, the other

coffee for later.

I stick my foot

There in the doorway

So the dogs don’t

Run, thinking perhaps

It’s a playday

And now the house is

Empty as I close

The door

Ready for my

Silent retreat

Up 92 to 280

Silver BMW

Blonde, sunglasses

Obviously on the phone

Not observing my

Silence.

 

#3

Sunday I wake

With my mouth open,

Late

Judging from the angle

Of the sun through

The bedroom window

And I know

My mouth was

Open

Because of that

Dryness now.

I wish I had

A glass of water

Here

To get my tongue

Unstuck from the roof

And I remember

There was something

About the roof

In that house

No, it was

A mansion

A white one

It was mine

I lived there

It was clean

And airy

With tall windows

Looking out

To the sand dunes

And I watched

As she removed

 

A weathered gray

Piece of wood

And the ceiling

Sagged

So a dark opening

Appeared

 

I guess I should

Get up for coffee

And start

The laundry?

 

#4

I always park

Around the corner

And down the block

From the house

Where my drum

Circles are held

I don’t want them

To know I smoke

And I’ll want

To smoke when

I leave.

 

Hugs at the door

And it’s 11

I get to my car

Fetch a cigarette

Light it,

Close the door

And walk in

The dark down

The street

Contemplating

The tears.

 

#5

I haven’t done yoga

Since July

My thighs feel tight

My right hip hurts

At the end of the day

Of sitting in a

Third floor office

Bare white walls

Tall windows

Shades always up

To let in that

Northern light

Like maybe

It would be

Vermeer, like

Some woman

With a pearl earring

A scarlet turban,

Soft skin,

Moist full lips

Sitting here

In this northern

Light

While I watch

Wondering how

In the hell

To paint that

Moment.

 

Instead my

Mind sails

From the wire

Outside

To

The top of

PG&E where

A raven shrieks

 

#6

I don’t feel like

Painting tonight

There, the last one still

Sits looking old

And I have one

Blank canvas, some

Paper

All white waiting

To graduate

To intimidate

Me,

To dare me

To touch them

With color!

They tease me

Saying

“you know you’ll

fuck up. You always

do.”

And another voice

Says

“well yeah, but

fucking up is

part of love.

Trust your fucking

Up and find

What is beautiful

In it.”

Yes, but I still

Don’t feel like

Painting tonight

And I take another

Sip of red

And I put down

The green pen

In the white

Pages in my

Journal

Right between

The pages where

Some one had

Written an address,

Someone I don’t

 Know,

Someone who passed

Through my studio

One day named

Tracy Bryant

On Clay Street

San Francisco.

She was probably

Younger then?

 

#7

I read a man’s blog today

Something I rarely do

But today there was

So much controversy

And I had been feeling

It for days

A feeling like something

Was coming to an end

I think I read all

93 comments and

at the end I had

nothing to add

felt like maybe

I would just be grandstanding

Wanting to be

Seen in the

Popular room

And I really

Didn’t know

Which side to take

The rabbit

Or the wolf?

Funny now that I

Think about it

I wondered about

His devastation

Wondered about

His feeling now,

Being accused of

Being unfeeling?

But then I realized

I was projecting.

Just seemed utterly

 lost , lost to that

fact

of being lost

even, lost because

of the devastation

that killed feeling.

 

#8

I wonder about her

I haven’t heard from

Her since that night

In Texas

Me standing outside

Of a restaurant waiting,

By the fountain

She was moving

Again and I never

Gave her that

Painting

And she asked

Me to call back

Later

And later I walked

Outside in the

Warm September

Night, but somehow

I just fumbled

With the phone in

My pocket

Listening to

Cicadas singing in the trees

 

#9

There are two

Green pieces of

Foam rubber on the floor

Something the dogs

Chewed

The woodglue is

Over by the space heater

With the cord

Cut in two

Yes, by dogs

Chewing again

There is a single

Splat of black

Paint running

Sideways across

The edge of a

2X2

one I will

saw in pieces

to brace a white

piece of

a future painting

someday.